Caresses, touch, care, relaxation and a sense of security – are they compatible with healthy aggression, with the secret that stimulates our mutual sexual interest?
“What a thrill I feel in my whole body when it happens to me by one finger to touched her hand.”. The young verther for happiness was enough for a small smallness – a slight touch. And his heart instantly lit up with fire. In fact, nothing has changed since then.
The basis of love, what strengthens it is a connection that is established between the bodies. It is on this very tangible foundation that the happiness and harmonious development of the couple are based.
“Living together means living with the body of another person, in contact with him, his smell, voice, appearance,” recalls the psychotherapist Marina Baskakova.
“When I am nervous at work or get out of myself in front of a computer screen, I recall last night, my friend’s body, clinging to my body,” the 37-year-old Sophia admits. But why do we need so much the bodily presence of a partner?
Early experience of pleasure
“Because we spent our first 9 months of our life in full, covering physical contact with the mother, and this condition is for us the paradise, which we later strive to return,” explains the psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova.
– We are born with the need to touch us, we are caressed. Based on this early bodily experience, and not just our adult relations with a partner, our sexuality develops ”.
Psychoanalyst Donald Winnikott has long noticed: for the child to feel that he exists and enjoy life, he needs that his mother or the one who replaces her to carry him in his arms, caresses, take care of him.
Bodily proximity allows the child to realize that he exists regardless of the mother, but at the same time – to experience excitement, the pleasure of touch, from grabbing and sucking the mother’s body.
Body to heart
Psychoanalyst Didier Anzier went even further in his thoughts about the importance of Clothing in our mental equilibrium, quoting the Valerie Paul Essayist: “The deepest – and therefore the most thinking is leather”.
Didier Anzier clearly explains the function of the skin and touch: it is with their help that we begin communication and for the first time we get satisfaction. This is the original, archaic connection.
It is she who determines our sexual relations in adulthood, in particular with love preludes, when we enjoy oral and tactile contact, caresses and kisses. If we have not experienced this in childhood, then access to the body of another person, to desire, sexuality can be violated.
Writer Michel Welbek illustrates this dependence. His hero Michelle was in infancy left to himself when his mother flew to California. This event was injured by Michel, he suffered from depression for many years and could not have an attraction to a woman who was in love with and who also devotedly loved him.
Sexual contact, that is, partial and purely bodily return to the womb (or adopting another), is the only way to restore primary pleasure.
Whereas to explain the appeal to psychotherapists of couples who assure that they love each other, but cannot maintain sexual relations and lose their physical proximity?
“If symbiotic relations with the mother were not successfully completed, were suffocatingly close or, conversely, too distant, the adult continues to look for tenderness, maternal warmth and complete fusion in partners,” explains Svetlana Fedorova.
“And this interferes with the development of mature sexuality, which involves both healthy aggressiveness and a sense of boundaries of its body, its integrity”. In other words, maternal connection undermines the erotic well -being of the couple?
Tenderness against sex?
According to the psychoanalyst and sexologist Alena Eril, “everything is really based on the paradox: how to build a security space and at the same time an adventure area?
There is a diades “mother – a child”, which is very soothing, but completely cancel sex “. This is how the psychoanalyst and sexologist Gislen Paris explains: “Sexuality strangles too strong tenderness. After all, this emotion is connected with our childhood, with how our parents loved us.
It arises in the context of the prohibition on incest and therefore blocks sexual desire. It is necessary to be able to change the mood, change into an outfit of seduction in the same way as we enter the role of the father or mother of the family. “.
A trap of close proximity
So that the affection is not boring, everyone needs to be willing to move from one role to another, avoiding too close intimacy. The desire is fading away if the partner is too well familiar to us, if we walk naked at home, if we use the bathroom at the same time.
It is necessary to return the bashfulness, increase the distance so that the secret is returned. Sexuality arises from curiosity to the body of another, when we look forward to the reflection of desire and pleasure on his face.
Do not forget about the role -playing game, about the alternation of shyness and shamelessness, about the surprises that such a game prepares us. Without giving up tenderness, we can see another in a new look, feel intrigue, turn touch into
a game, and therefore keep a desire.
Is pornography to blame?
As the availability of porn and erotic products affects the desire (especially male)? Psychoanalyst Jacques Arena believes that “a certain satiety arises, when everything around is filled with sexuality. But the desire feeds on the lack of what we wish “.
Sexologist Yuri Prokopenko believes that pornography does not reduce the attraction: “It is comparable to hunger: it cannot be satisfied, watching others eat”.
However, in his opinion, the habit of pornography can affect the degree of satisfaction: “Video lovers can lack visual stimulation, because during real sexual intercourse we do not so much watch as we feel, we act”.
You can make up for this shortage with the help of mirrors, and some couples use video equipment to observe themselves from the side, feeling like a crew of your own erotic film.